Put Out Slowly (video)
It seems that while Justin Bieber knows his way around a recording studio and the bathroom glory hole at Applebees, glass is a little bit trickier. Sorry Biebs glass doors exist to make a room appear open, but I understand why he’s confused. He’s used to being the one walked into and isn’t quite sure where to put in at. Anyway you can thank me with lots of flowers, cards and checks made payable to cash for these clips of Bieber smacking his head on some glass.
Apparently it is no laughing matter because TMZ is saying that the poor kid suffered from a concussion after walking into a glass door. Wow concussions aren’t what they used to be. It seems you can get one from just watching someone walk into a glass door. Someone call the doctor I think I am feeling dizzy and nauseous, oh wait I just listened to a Justin Bieber song. Makes sense.
How to Score An Oscar
Michelle Rodriguez knows a few thing about acting. Have you seen her fine performance in the Fast and Furious franchise and then there was that independent movie she did where she downed a bottle of Cuervo jumped into her car and then gets busted for a DUI and is tossed in jail like a Lohan, such a believable performance. Oh wait that really happened. It seemed like a low budget movie with a D list cast so I just assumed the cop I saw pictures of rode stagecoach for an episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Anywho while having a civil conversation with Vulture they asked her about those glorious moments in the Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron movie Paperboy where she unleashes a golden shower all over the prettiest Disney princess and his golden body tan. After that Michelle Rodriguez has a friend that is positive that Kidman will land an Oscar nomination for that mess, but Rodriguez put her friend in their place with a side eye neck roll and belched out the explanation why Kidman will not in fact take home a nom.
“She’s not black! You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy.”
Let’s take advice from a woman who is usually half in the bad while speaking, driving or awake. If I want an opinion on something with Michelle Rodriguez it will be what’s the best vodka to mix with my orange juice at 10 AM, not about Oscar bids.
Annapolis Gets You On Top of A Greased Up Pole
Annapolis Naval Academy where the USA churns out some of the best of the best, the best of what exactly I am not invested enough to google or to watch that horrendous movie Annapolis staring James Franco and his high eyes. Every year they have their right of passage of running through the fields and climbing the Herndon monument covered in lard. Might want to be careful or my might catch Britney Spears there licking it like a lollipop, that’s some good eats ya’ll! Nothing accomplishes more than a bunch of hot hard bodied naval students chasing each other half naked running towards a big upright pole then climbing all over each others sweaty and oiled up bodies to ride a greased up pole like a Mexican immigrant. Not a thing wrong at all. If my tear ducts hadn’t dried up from not sleeping since 1993 and drinking vodka as a morning beverage I would shed tears, because this is what they mean when saying proud to be an American. Sidebar anyone else think this picture reminds them of All the Lovers video by Kylie Minogue? No? Fine.
Britney’s Back… Then Left.. But She’s Back.. For Now
Britney Spears cannot stand to hear the mutilating tales of wannabe popstars on X Factor but she is pulling through. Mostly because they promised her if she behaved all good that they would fill a tub up with cheese dip and a bowl full of fun size snickers. She is toughing it out, until some hopeless fool decided to murder a song by our pop princess who has had enough and even her salary of $15 million couldn’t make her squirm uncomfortably through the rendition. So bitch took flight and left for a few minutes to collect herself, Let’s just hope they hid the scissors no one wants a repeat of q-ball Brit Brit. Apparently while someone was trying to hit her baby one time with a version of Hold It Against Me, and they do it all the time, she decided she had to vacate her judges seat but spoke with her conservators along with the judges and left. However she returned moments later but with hair weave in tack chomping on a piece of gum like a twink at Splash on Saturday night during open bar. Now all is well in Britney land, free cheetos for everyone!! If I was her I would have grabbed the mic and been like “Hold on ya’ll if anyone is going to butcher my song it’s going to be me. Hit it!” Something tells me this does not feel like paradise but I already need a vacation.
50 Cent Gives His 2 Cents
Lord and it’s not even worth that. We all know that we must take anything 50 cents with salt then immediately follow it with tequila make any sense of what is tumbling from bubba gump lips, but this time it wasn’t so bad. Like a good celeb who relies on a lot of the gays to attach themselves to his prison muscles and bullet holes he jumped on the band wagon pants halfway down his ass and everything. To make it legit he shared his views in Vibe Magazine.
“I think everyone should be happy. I think a fool is going to go against same sex marriage at this point. Look how long it took him [Obama] to say he was for same sex marriages. You understand? I’m up for it. If everyone else is for it, then hey, to each his own. I don’t have personal feelings towards it because I’m not involved in that lifestyle. I want people to be happy. It makes for everything to be better.”
Well isn’t that precious. Until he let this vodka soaked comment tumble from his beaten mug into the ass of Chelsea Handler.
“We need organizations for straight men. We do. We need organizations for straight men in the case you’ve been on the elevator and somebody decides they want to grab your little buns. Times are changing. Those organizations are set up for at one point they were being attacked for those choices. Now its completely different. Obviously [homosexuality] is more socially accepted.”
First of all who says I want to grab on your cakes no way boo boo? Me thinks not. I like my men pretty, clean and with holes that only God put there not some gang banger? K? Thanks. Bye.
Tebow Takes on Twitter
Tim Tebow doesn’t people to know that he has been attending the theater to feed the homo dragon living inside him. Also based on his request for an actress in the show Rock of Ages to remove a picture of Tebow and some of her scantily clad castmates. So he did what anyone would do, ask her to take it down and told she was a filthy filthy dirty whore. He can’t pictures like that floating around, it would ruin his homo erotic displays of manliness on the football field and wholesome mama boy image. Neka Zhang did comply but not without getting a few zingers in, before being asked to delete those as well.
“Well, Due to Tebow’s ‘image’ I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed ladies. He does know we arn’t [sic] real strippers right?”
I’m just confused on what image he is trying to uphold here. That he goes to the theater and takes pictures with sexy attractive women ? Because I guess an image of him patting other guys on the ass soaping each other up in the locker room and snapping towels at each other is an image he rather emblazoned in our minds. God must have told him that musicals are the devil so he didn’t want anyone to know that the Reverend from Footloose is his Jiminy Cricket, but sometimes you just have to dance.
Scott Disick Sleeps His Way to the Middle, of an Orgy With His Friends
While Scott Disick looks like the spawn of Patrick Bateman and an orange it makes total sense that everyone would try to be up on that shizz like Miley Cyrus on some fried vittles. Of course that’s not all he also taped his conquests. Yes people Scott Disick has a series of sex tapes, as do some of his friends not sure if they have any guest starring roles in each others tapes but considering they used to go skinny dipping, flash each other and strangers and then get down and dirty in hot tubs it’s possible. Rumor has it they all even participated in orgies, sometimes even girls were involved. One thing that was always involved was some booze and marijuana, but condoms? Not always. They like to live dangerously with their open sores. One friend was gracious enough to share this information with Life & Style.
“We’d bring back different groups of girls to one of our houses and do various things to them. We tried to make it a daily routine, and some nights would be taped. There’s probably a good eight or nine tapes. We thought, If we start videotaping ourselves, maybe one day we can make a TV show out of it. Now Scott’s on a reality show. He was always trying to make it to the top. “
I bet mom would be so proud. No wonder Kris Jenner wanted to bring him into the fold I am sure he knows a lot about lighting and camera position, too bad Kim’s basement boring sex tape hit stands first. Kourtney did one better she got knocked up by a man who is finally on top, literally.
Taste of the Back of His Hand
It’s been a rough week and an even rougher weekend, considering I remember as much of the weekend as Beyonce remembers giving birth. Yes I am THAT bitch, it’s Monday I gave up carbs and caffeine do you really want to fight? Exactly. It looked like Will Smith isn’t for the whole man on man action, unless he’s getting busy with his husband Jada Pinkett. At the premiere of Men in Black 3 in Moscow some dude went all Brokeback on him and tried to kiss him right on the mouth. Big Willie wasn’t having it and the guy got a few kisses, from the palm of Will’s hand. The thing is this guy likes to uncomfortably shock-kiss celebs. Sounds like a case of assault or at least a prescription of valtrex. Check out the video and see for yourself how Will handles, mostly composed.
Quote of the Day
Skin is In
If there is an award for attention whoring of the year it would go to Rihanna. I know I will be getting the death ray from Kris Kardashian for not recognizing the meaningless contribution of her daughter Kim and her wide open trap, not that one lower. First Rihanna is photographed rolling a joint on the head of her bodyguard while she sat on his shoulders, hope he got overtime, now Rihanna is just doing her best to stay as relevant as converse at a fashion show with adapting new skin techniques. Rihanna posted a picture showing her turning into Courtney Stodden, dubbed the Iguana Princess by Michal K at DLISTED, and showed us that skin is in, just doesn’t have to be your own. I think Rihanna got the memo mix up, they said reptile skin is in, not turn INTO a reptile. Uh-oh she has already scheduled her appointment for a bisected tongue someone stop her! Well if she does that she won’t be able to sing or talk, on second thought girl you would look fagtastic with a forked tongue, work it out! Ok so it’s for her music video “Where Have You Been?” Probably looking for jergens, who knew that reptiles turned men on, sexy.
