Jessica Simpson is in her 17th trimester and we will just have to suffer through until she decides to let her pre teen “baby” out of it’s easter basket of crazy. Until then we can still marvel at the fact that this thing kicking and screaming inside of her gut is also weighing heavy on her cerebral cortex causing her mouth to spew some serious shizz. Like when her vagina is not giving multiple orgasms it will be spraying the delivery room a gay 14 year old in Abercrombie. She has no problem admitting to us that she is basically a gassy, bloated, horned up mess of a life raft that just happens to be shaped like a blow up doll from the Valley, and not the good type of Vally of the Dolls. While on Jimmy Kimmel Jess took time to tell us that she has to tell people that she is not having 7 babies in one swoop that so far it is just one and that basically she is more plugged up than a bottom who doesn’t eat and hasn’t gotten laid in 3 days in the handicapped bathroom at the McDonald’s on 8th ave. She tells Jimmy that once the cork is popped the flood gates will open, like literally, and we will have to go running for our lives as the world will once again be lost to a sea. I have my ark ready, think of it as a love boat but instead of two of each animal I brought two of each hot guy in every color and lots of tequila and limes. I think I read the instructions wrong when Jesus spoke to me in my vodka induced coma last Friday night and said “two by two”. My bad.