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kim kardashian

That demure, delicate, shy flower known as Kim Kardashian is at it again. As always she wants to keep it classy and playful by taking as many pictures ass up as she can in as little as possible. Sure her ass is also as inflated as Kanye West and his puffer cheeks, looking like he is storing nuts for Winter which I am sure there is truth to part of that at least, doesn’t mean she is as fake as Kourtney’s boobs. There are still claims that Kim has butt implants or had her ass filled up but the girl is rejecting the injections say she is au naturale. You know like Beyonce is a natural blonde.

Insert side eye [here].

Anti-Trust

scott and kourtney

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick have two children together and have been on again/off again for almost a decade yet there are no wedding bells in the future. During a trust exercise with Scott it was revealed that Kourtney doesn’t trust her man enough. Say What?! However she did trust him enough to bareback with him, twice. You can’t have sex with someone and then go all “trust issues” because you don’t want to commit. You’re not a gay man, you can’t play that game boo.

Sheer Fabulous

kendall jenner

This just in, Kendall Jenner has nipples!! *GASP* Are we seriously throwing a fit about an 18 year-old model dressed in a questionable ensemble from a designer during fashion week? This is news right? THIS?!?! It’s only “news” because she is Kendall Jenner, sister of the Khloe, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian. Whoop, there it is.

Jenner got the chance of a lifetime to model for fashion golden boy Marc Jacobs during New York Fashion Week and like a smart girl she jumped on that chance like one of her sisters on a black guy with a pro sport rings. Apparently people have never been to a fashion show and decided to act as if she was parading around Melrose in a sheer top with no bra shopping instead of modeling in a fashion show. My deep eye roll has yet to come full circle so I am typing this blind.

Have to agree with Khloe when she said Haters Gon’ Hate because you bitches really are on some other stuff. And I don’t even like the Kardashians, and you basic tricks just made me defend them, you will all pay I promise.

Teenage Wasteland

kylie and kendall

Nothings says a good time like getting white girl wasted in West Hollywood on a school night. Kendall and Kylie Jenner are rumored to have been partying up at Vignette Lounge with Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, only problem is that it’s 21 and up and the Jenner girls are 16 and 17 years old. No problem, it seems the girls flashed fake IDs because who would know who THEY are in Hollywood? Oh I don’t know, everyone! Sources say people within the Jenner/Kardashian kult are denying that the girls used fake IDs because they didn’t know the venue was 21 and up. If that is true then what’s with the picture of Kylie and Kendall pouring themselves into an SUV looking like they partied harder than Courtney Love on a yacht made of barbiturates? Looks like the only way we can keep with these half Kardashians is walk around with an IV drip of Stoli. Cheers!

Scott Disick Sleeps His Way to the Middle, of an Orgy With His Friends

While Scott Disick looks like the spawn of Patrick Bateman and an orange it makes total sense that everyone would try to be up on that shizz like Miley Cyrus on some fried vittles. Of course that’s not all he also taped his conquests. Yes people Scott Disick has a series of sex tapes, as do some of his friends not sure if they have any guest starring roles in each others tapes but considering they used to go skinny dipping, flash each other and strangers and then get down and dirty in hot tubs it’s possible. Rumor has it they all even participated in orgies, sometimes even girls were involved. One thing that was always involved was some booze and marijuana, but condoms? Not always. They like to live dangerously with their open sores. One friend was gracious enough to share this information with Life & Style.

“We’d bring back different groups of girls to one of our houses and do various things to them. We tried to make it a daily routine, and some nights would be taped. There’s probably a good eight or nine tapes. We thought, If we start videotaping ourselves, maybe one day we can make a TV show out of it. Now Scott’s on a reality show. He was always trying to make it to the top. “

I bet mom would be so proud. No wonder Kris Jenner wanted to bring him into the fold I am sure he knows a lot about lighting and camera position, too bad Kim’s basement boring sex tape hit stands first. Kourtney did one better she got knocked up by a man who is finally on top, literally.

Khloe Doesn’t Do Dallas

Lamar has quit that bitch and he is too through. Oh I am sorry not Khloe he is staying with that hairy back ass waxer, but has left the Dallas Mavericks. Let the people of Dallas breath a sigh of relief, if they can through all the hair spray and smell of pig crap, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have left the building. Literally Odom has decided that being traded to the retarded step cousin of professional teams wasn’t the best situation and has decided that he will no longer join in their reindeer games. Something tells me that the Kardashians all threatened everyone involved in order to release Lamar from his contract. Kim said she would sleep with anything and spread her legs like a drawbridge while Khloe would snack on all small dogs in the area while flattening every building in her way and Kourtney will just continue to pop out illegitimate children while dating a gay man who stole his complexion from a cheeto that mated with an orange that sucked on a lemon.

Grown Up Toys

Looks like we won’t get to have the Kardashian’s to play with for next Christmas which is really sad, scratch that, uhm nope. A this time Mattel is not making dolls to the likeness of Kim, Khloe or Kourtney, for fear of confusing people with their blank expressions and life like personalities resembling stale bread left out in the sun for 6 years. I guess we will just have to suffer with the original plastic versions of themselves, they would shed a tear but they had their tear ducts removed along with their souls by Satan’s fairy cabana boy Ryan Seacrest. Don’t worry girls and girly boys you will still have their magazine to flip through while sucking on a lollipop but unfortunately Ken won’t have big breasted fag hags to play beard with. Damn! As for their upcoming magazine, they are working on a deal with American Media Inc which houses trash after trash rag mags like Star, Radar Online and Shape to name a few, which be everything Kardashian. Kardashian key chains? Got it! Kardashian steering wheel covers? Got  it! Kardashian vaginal suppositories? Got It! Sounds fabooboo! While the offer is apparently still on the table there is a rumor that Pimp Mama Kris wants to have final say in what is being printed in ALL of AMI’s magazines in the deal. Which could put more strain on the deal than that time they packed Khloe like a donkey on the grand canyon. While E! isn’t denying it they are saying that Pinched Face Pimp Mama Kris has not talked to AMI and the offer is on the table along with a line of coke, a botox needle and a coupon for half off at the sizzler. Tempting. Something fishy is happening over there, or is that Rob Kardashian with his legs open again?  If she wants that type of creative control she will need to buy the company, which wouldn’t be too bad since magazine is a dying book anyway and I am sure they would love to get out. Oh so much going on  what to believe?! Wait, I don’t give a crap!

Live with Rob and Kelly

Could Rob Lowe be the next heteroflexible male to sit next to her in the host chairs as she stares glassy eyed out on the audience? Lowe just spent two lovely days keeping Kelly from tipping out of her chair because her massive weighing head. It is very well possible for Lowe to step into the Prada open toes left vacant by Regis, however there is some reluctance from our former Brat Packer especially the move to New York City:

“We were just talking about that. I love New York. I love the energy. It would be a change of pace. I’m a California boy, but it could be fun.”

Although the soul eating execs at ABC love the chemistry between the both of them, Lowe has a stint on Park and Recreations, which could mean him sticking to his California boy roots. So far no official word and right now it’s just speculation. Rumors are spreading faster than pubic lice in a sorority house so we will have to stay fastened to our monitors as this unfold or until Kourtney Kardashian gives birth to an impeccably dress three headed baby. See what happens when you mate with an abomination?

Open Book

You probably have heard that a former nanny of the Kadashians is shopping around a tell-all book right? What you haven’t heard is my version of the details with the scent of jasmine, covered in glitter then set on fire. Pam Behan who was employed by the Kardashian/Jenner crew before they were famous for nothing is about to spill some secrets about the K Klan and it’s going be about as pretty as Kris Jenner without makeup before visiting her dermatologist for botox and fillers. Apparently Pam says that while she did in fact get along with the girlie girls of the Kardashians, Rob you’re included with the girls with that booty you could bounce a quarter off of, but wasn’t so fond of the Jenner young men. According to her she called Bruce’s sons from another hoe he was hitting it with , Brandon and Brody, rude and disrespectful. That’s it? Well duh we knew that. I thought you were going to tell us that they used to shave each other asses while spooning at night and had to be broken apart at the dinner table for inappropriately touching each other under the table. Outside of that Pam says she has other “intimate” details regarding the Klan and is all to happy to share them, for a price. OK so she this isn’t exactly the Nanny Diaries because it sounds way more entertaining than listening to Scarlett Johanssen rasp her way through acting while looking like she was stun gunned first. How much more intimate can we get though? What’s next to reveal that Khloe once had an affair with a married man who took pleasure in shearing her back hair, while Kim was busy picking out a new nose, ass and lips for her 16th birthday, and that Kourtney has had more than one gay huzzband and isn’t about to go Liza just for our amusement? It’s time to spill the beans and make that money honey. Who needs integrity when you can be filthy stinkin rich? Just ask the Kardashians. Bah-zing!

Sweating with the Kardashians

Let’s drown with more Kardashian flavored water that feels as if it floated in from the Hudson river through a landfill into our water bottles. They are under fire yet again and unfortunately it’s not burning at stake as we would have hoped and dreamed about, they are just bulding their brand by emplying sweatshops. Apparently they took a chapter out of How to Succeed in Business by Kathie Lee Gifford. Their lines K-Dash, Shoedazzle and Kris Jenner Kollection could be in serious trouble here if this is true. Considering the source is Star Magazine what are we to believe? The Kardashians are getting it from all sides and while they usually like it nasty and rough and getting smacked around like NBA players wife this isn’t going to sit well with them. There are claims against them that say they employ sweatshops out in China and that the employees who are as young as 16 years old make a whopping $15 a month after living and food expenses are paid after working over 80 hours a week. I think Kris Jenner just popped a stich in her brow lift, realizing she is getting shafted because from what she knew it was suppose to 15 CENTS a day and she did not sign on for this type of disrespect. Now Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of Global Labour and Human Rights, has taken a stand on his soap box:

“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people. Not only are celebrities like the Kardashians taking advantage of these workers, they are holding hands with a government that spits on democracy and women’s rights. Kim has been very fortunate, but it’s time for her and her family to treat these workers with respect. Kim, for example, could say, ‘It ain’t going to be all about me, me and me.’  She could do something and not leave behind a broken mess of women and children. If she took a stand and said, ‘I want to manufacture my products in Chicago or Los Angeles, where I can ensure people humane conditions,’ she would be taking the right stand.”

Well how else do you think they got to be on top of their game by hard work and determination coupled with talent? Pish posh that’s crazy talk!  If so you need tos top watching so much Little House on the Prairie. Lucky for us though the Kardashian Kollection for Sears is selling about as well as a Jessica Simpson first look baby photo so that should tell you never trust a 7 year old to do a good hidden button.

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