Blog Archives
Diamonds and Furs and Photoshop Oh My!
Diamonds were Liz’s best friends but apparently a new ‘do, some furs and enough photoshopping to make Harvey Firestein look like Kate Moss is all it took for Lindsey Lohan to look the part of the uncomparable Elizabeth Taylor. Lifetime is working overtime to make sure they overexpose this movie as much as possible so here is another photo of Linds decked out in the best costume jewelry money could buy at the dollar tree. Hey I don’t think Harry Winston is going to be lending out their diamonds to someone who tried to steal a necklace from a hobo with an open bottle of Jack, just sayin. Overall it’s a pretty good look and she looks phenom.
Lindsay Lohan Plays Dress Up
Now that Life time has found Lindsay Lohan a Dick for her lifetime movie Liz & Dick in the way of Grant Bowler she can focus on the deep inner turmoil of her character. OR just hang out in her trailer with her ipod on swigging from a bottle of Jack. You can tell they are ready to get serious. Don’t believe me? Well just check out Linds all dressed up and someplace to go, that isn’t court or rehab. No self hugging jacket or six burly men named Guido to haul her off to the desert to be babysat at the Betty Ford clinic. I do love a buckle though. Linds is definitely channeling the late Elizabeth Taylor and I am shocked! They scrubbed her skin clean of the cheeto bronzer, bleached her nicotine claws and squeezed her dry of all the booze that filled an Olympic swimming pool, and shes back. I smell an Emmy, or wait maybe that’s my own rotting liver.
Lindsay’s Believe It or Not
Well it looks like Judge Stephanie Sautner has grown accustomed to the puffed up face of Lindsay Lohan but will have to bid her adieu. Believe it or not Lindsay has been patted on her ginger head for doing what she should have been doing all along so the Judge gave her a thumbs up and lifted her formal probation for that 2007 DUI. Damn took long enough girl! Think it’s over? Not hardly, we still have a ways to go until she is off scott free and ready to please.Let us not disregard the wise words from Judge Satuner,
“The only terms left for you on that case are to obey all laws. Not that hard. I know it’s kinda hard when people are following you all over the place but that’s the life you chose. Stop nightclubbing and focus on your work.”
Yup Linds will have to be on informal probation for going all Winona in a jewelry store which will last for two and a half years then she will really be born free and set back into the wild to spread gonorrhea like a Fire Island hot tub party. Luckily this means she can work. Basically this means she can head off to Toronto to raw dog the memory of Liz Taylor with no lube in the upcoming Lifetime movie scarring us for the next several years. Sounds like a win-win for everyone involved, except for the pedestrians pushing strollers and shiny jewelry store owners and people tuning into Lifetime. Be afraid.
Lilo Does the Courtroom and other News
It’s been a few days and the initial shock that Lindsay Lohan could be free to terrorize pedestrians and kick puppies is wearing off after following the crushed up meth line to the court room Linds got a pat on the head from the judge at her probation hearing and you know what that means! I can talk mad shizz. I know it’s a shock me talk about people as if they were nothing more than lazy, spoiled, brats who have nothing to contribute to society but pop culture crap that most likely won’t stand the test of time? You bet that needle full of botulism I am! First we have Judge Stephanie Sautner who knew tough love and a bunch of crushed up gold stars resembling a powdery substance would get Lilo to court on time each time where she patted her on the head for doing what she’s suppose to do and sent her on her way with a little hop in her pimp step. Good job Linds we’re so proud! Gag, love ya like a cold sore hun! Then word has it that she is confirmed to play the late great Liz Taylor for the some Lifetime piece of crap that has brought us such classics as Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs in the Client List. I can see this being nothing but class coming right out of her freckled hair ass. I am already creating a drinking game called take a sip every time it’s obvious Lindsay goes cross eyed they cut and come back and she is propped up against someone making her look somewhat coherent. Basically you drink until you’re drunk, or most likely die. Now that Linds is almost a free women without the fear of Big Bertha exacting her revenge on Lilo with a sawed off broom stick she partied at a pre-Oscar party. I am not sure if the party was on a boat because her lips could be used as flotation devices, honey stop puckering it’s not sexy. Ah yes Living Lohan must be a treat to wake up with horse hair bleached blond to offset the color of your orange skin you got from opening a cheeto bag too quickly and then stumbling through a party as your mother tries to keep her low rise jeans from slipping down her front crack. Told yo, class all the way.
Dance Moms V. Katherine Heigl
Damn these fame whore mothers on Lifetime’s weridly hit show Dance Moms. They are making me like the stank face that Katherine Heigl because she is right. Son of bitch. Katherine Heigl had much to say about the horrible television series that is Dance Moms calling it “demeaning,” “belittling” to the girls and the dance style almost “burlesque.” Well she is right, the show is kind of gross I don’t want to watch some tubby scratchy voice screaming at a bunch of young girls who are forced in pageant like dance competitions because of their mothers. Well one mother Christi Lukasiak has much to say to the star from some podunk radio station in Pittsburgh, PA, she couldn’t even get on a Philly show such star power. She talks about Katherine and about her past acting roles, even if it was her playing a role for artistic purposes portraying someone else not herself. The kick is that Lukasiak says that she is not exploiting her children. I am sorry, I might be on glue hyped on poppers while doing a line off the ass of Lindsay Lohan. Did she just say she ISN’T exploiting her child? This bitch is on crack. You dress your child up like a doll put her in scantily clad dance clothes on a reality television show and that’s not exploitative? I think that’s the epitome of exploitation so this mother should sit down already. However being the ever so elegant radio host of 100.7 Star the host tells Heigl to “suck it”. Nice to see this is so professional but then again these people aren’t anywhere on the level that Heigl is so I doubt she cares. Damn these idiotic backwoods kool aid drinking people for making me agree with her crazy eyes.
Aliens in America
Not the cool ones that live downtown and that you can pay 3 dollars to do your laundry, water your plants and give birth to your child. These are the types that impregnante you with their offspring then burst out your chest when you’re at Le Bernardin trying to enjoy your flan. It seems Fran Drescher thinks that she and her husband have both have had encounters with extterrestrials who inplants her with a chip. Someone might want to double her dosage and call a doctor I think she’s having a stroke, I thought I smelled toast burning. She even had time to tell the Huffington Post about her experience and it really makes you think.
“You know, it’s funny because Peter [Drescher's ex-husband] and I both saw [aliens] before we knew each other, doing the same thing, driving on the road with our dads. We were both in junior high. A few years later, we met, and we realized that we had the same experience. I think that somehow we were programmed to meet. We both have this scar. It’s the exact same scar on the exact same spot.”
Wow makes for a very convincing Lifetime movie to bought up any day now! I am sure we have all run into aliens one time or another. Running into some big headed lanky body being in the bathroom at an after party in my experience just turns out be some foreign guy with a thick accent and no English. Then again who needs English when he can lick his own eyebrows and doesn’t seem to have hamstrings. Feel free to take me to your leader anytime boo boo. Then again maybe that’s what the aliens want me to think.
Drop Dead Diva
You know we have to hand it to Kim Kardashian she has a knack for taking no talent and a personality resembling a box of hair and spinning that shizz into gold weave. Not only did she snag a role in Tyler Perry’s Marriage Counselor the movie she is now going to blow into a multiple episode arc on the Lifetime series Drop Dead Diva like small pox. Sure she has the acting range of a dead cactus and her facial expressions are comparable to a wax figure that’s melting without the intensity but I am sure it will be fantastic! And if not you can just kill off her character in a fiery crash where the only left is a set of saline ass implants. Kim took to her blog to let everyone know she will be appearing on the television series. She will play a new love interest for Fred played by Ben Feldman named Nikki who quickly stirs things up when she goes into business with Stacy played by April Bowlby which just happens to be Fred’s ex. Cue the organ right here ready the chiffon and pool for some bitch slapping and water fights. If that’s not enough she will be playing herself on an episode of the Tim Allen’s show Last Man Standing. Looks like she is going to busier than an 8 year old in one her sweatshops without a bathroom break.
In Other Foxy News
Looks like Lindsay Lohan is best at sloppy seconds and won’t have to resort to the Kardashian way of things and sex tape her way into the Elizabeth Taylor role for the Lifetime original movie “Fun with Dick and Liz.” It seems that Megan Fox isn’t even entertaining offers from the production in regards to Liz and Dick and like a good celebrity she took to Facebook to say:
Contrary to recent media reports I am not, and have never been in discussions to star in the lifetime biopic ‘Liz and Dick’. I do however wish the project well in its television debut.
That sounds about as natural as a smile on Lindsay Lohan when she isn’t drunk, high or both. Well that means if Linds can get her shizz together she could be heading to Canada to film an American movie that is suppose to take place on America. Makes sense. Oh when will the rumors end?! Just give us the Dick… and Liz information straight up, no chaser.
More Competition
Uh-oh looks like Lindsay Lohan is going to have to beat out, or beat down, another person vying for the Liza Taylor role in the Lifetime original movie “Liz and Dick”, about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton’s love. Hey hey hey! If anyone should get a chance to strut herself along side Dick it is definitely Linds. She knows all about Dick she has read every book she could find and studied long and hard regarding Dick and she deserves to be with Dick in this picture. However her dreams of Dick might be over if the rumors are true that producers are also talking to Alexis Kiley about the role. Not only is she a dead ringer for Liz but she has worked under the guidance of Sally Kirkland along with actors Jane Lynch and Christina Hendricks and is a widely respected Broadway actor. If Lilo can’t get clearance form the Canadian government where they plan to film looks like Megan Foxy or Alexis Kiley could take the lead role. Kiley’s rep Yvonne Perez-Borrto is already confirming that talks are underway regarding her client and things are moving forward. Oh Lord what is happening to this world? What just because she got drunk a few times crashed a few cars skipped on court along with probation doesn’t mean she isn’t reliable. Come on people let Lilo be with Dick where she belongs!
Sloppy Seconds
Is it possible if Lindsay Lohan doesn’t sign on the dotted line that Megan Fox will get the leftovers? That’s what the chatter is at this time. It seems that Megan Fox has been going through that grueling process of auditions for the Lifetime movie Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Producer Larry Thompson says he is in serious talks with Lilo along with Megan Fox and that the casting is a serious selection because of the nature of our divine Liz Taylor. Don’t mess it up Larry or the only you’re going to be producing is a shoe horn to get the boot of the public foot out of your ass. See if you were Ryan Seacrest that would be a good thing.
