Blog Archives
Floating On A Sea of Amniotic Fluid
Speaking of Jessica Simpson, did you know that OutofTouch Weekly is saying that Jess had to have a c section instead of delivering her preteen girl Maxi into the world through her canal of love? Somehow they have pulled Miss Cleo from her jail cell threatened her with a sawed off broom stick and she let her loose lips sink ships because this shizz has not gone down. In my NOT so humble opinion that baby escaped the womb like a prisoner from Alcatraz and has moved to Connecticut changed her face and is now stripping under the name Delicious. Jess is just holding some SERIOUS water weight. I could be wrong, but I’m not. Considering that we are not having this conversation on Noah’s Ark:The Sequel after she gave birth and her water breaking flooding the Earth and once again ridding the world of filth and evil. The successors have been chosen in the form of the Hansons to repopulate the world, the Jonas brothers were top choice until it turned out that none of them were tops and they giggle every time they saw a vagina. Luckily the gays are spared just to decorate and create the new fall line, while a few lesbians mill around in order to rebuild. I just don’t know what to believe but instinct tells me to start wearing floods, they are in fashion after all, because that thing is going to spring a leak any moment now. Thank God I live in a walk up, Hallelujer!
The Voice Gets Hefty
Christina mad, Christ smash! Hide yo wife hide yo kids Christina Aguilera is on the hunt for some fried chicken, rice, beans and krispy kreme, sorry downtown LA you will be missed, this is the REAL Battle: Los Angeles. Rumor has it that Christina Aguilera is not happy about how they have flooded the stage with light to make her appear normal sized next to Cee Lo on The Voice. She is already upset that Adam Levine is prettier than her but dammit she is the lady and the four hours it took for her to squeeze into those skinny jeans with the help of a crow bar, olive oil, fishing wire and pliers to zip them up show it, even if the seams are screaming to be put out of their misery. Be careful one wrong move and we are bound see an explosion of epic proportion that even Noah’s Ark couldn’t save. “Sources” are reporting that Christina is hell bent on making sure that the camera doesn’t make her look fat or show her ass, apparently insisting to be shot from only flattering angles forcing reshoots to happen. Or she could get on a treadmill, thoughts, ideas, questions? Let’s face it the hefty girls always make the better singers, look at Aretha, Chaka, Mariah one day girl you will be with them, and something tells me that those late night trips to taco bell are doing their job by hardening your arteries like a Kardashian’s face after botox. It seems that the saltine cracker that is Blake Shelton and the crazy magic eye picture that is Cee Lo are annoyed but it’s Adam Levine queening out with a swift kick with his stilettos to the HELL NO pile because he feels it’s unprofessional. Not to mention with them employing CGI there goes his back end deal and profits and he will go girl fight on Aguilera, seriously he’ll slap her silly pull her hair then tell the producers to fire her cellulite. Is this true? Probably not, except for the Adam Levine being the prettiest person on The Voice and the hair pulling but that’s happening back stage.
